Istanbul. The city has been the site of civilization in various forms for thousands of years. The seat of the Ottoman Empire, an empire at one point that was easily the largest in the world that lasted for over 700 years. Ottomans excelled in architecture, the arts and governed in a way that can easily be viewed by today’s standards as relatively modern. The Sultan’s subjects were permitted to maintain their language and their religion despite Islam being that of the Sultan himself. Christians Muslims and Jews lived in relative harmony. Greeks, Armenians and Turks together as citizens for centuries. Something wonderful continues to unfold for me here in Istanbul. It is the consistent amazement I have for Turkey and her people. This measured against the backdrop of “Midnight Express”. Turks it seems are terrible at public relations. The Armenian Diaspora accuses them of genocide, they are condemned for their treatment of the Kurds, and they are resented in European countries such as Germany and Holland for failing to integrate. The world seems to know them as a mean, untrustworthy, potentially violent group. Being predominantly Muslims doesn’t help Western perceptions. The collective failure they have as a people is allowing themselves to be defined by others. I knew the Greeks and the Turks didn’t get along but I heard this from the Greeks. I recall after my first visit here how one of my clients asked how mean people really were. My only response was and still is, I have been, and continue to be warmly embraced by nearly everyone I have met here in this remarkable place.
Turks themselves are a warm generous bunch who if given the chance will become very familiar with you in a heartbeat. Northrop Frye once said of Toronto that it was “A great place to mind your own business”. This would never be said of Istanbul. Your business is their business. It has its drawbacks to be sure but the warmth; the sweetness that is demonstrated through it also has merit. The comfort they have for sharing their emotional lives is something we can learn from.
The emotional lives of people here are quite different from our Canadian ways. We shouldn’t loose sight of something though. Canadians are an emotional people. Witness Hockey and how people get worked up about it or my neighbour who lost his mind on a car driving the wrong way up our one way street. We care deeply about things and we act out our feelings, I think quite freely. We aren’t as reserved as we think we are. (The exception of course is those from Calgary. They may as well be robots.) I make a point of mentioning this only because this is the sort of thing we take for granted about ourselves. The root of the biggest difference between our cultures lies in one fundamental area.
Canadians, and by extension most Westerners, place an enormous value on the individual and their right to happiness. The “me” generation which could have been the ‘70’s or 80’s or anytime since then would be a reflection of this change in values. Much preceded this. The breakaway from traditional roles for the sexes, easier divorce, the need for two incomes in the family plus the break down of religion as the main reference point for so many left us in the West and certainly in Canada, a bit adrift searching for meaning and mostly finding it within ourselves. These social tendencies coupled with centuries of philosophical thought surrounding the rights of the individual versus the rights of the collective have tended to wrest more and more rights for the individual while always seeking to mind the needs of the collective. The balance is tricky to strike.
Turks on the other hand, by any measure are much more traditional in their ways. Men support the family, women care for the home. People live with their parents until they are married. Still. The main focal point for Turks remains the family rather than the individual. This remains true even for the Western educated secular segment of society. They may have notions of religions place similar to Canadians but the social expectations of family before all remains dominant. Personal or individual happiness is secondary. Daughters (or if there are none Daughters-in-law) are expected to care for the parents as they age. Deference to the older generation is also expected. With this comes obvious sacrifice towards ones own personal desires and goals. The strength of the family unit though allows for people to be caught by one another should they fall on tough times. The government’s means are much more limited than in Canada so the family has to step in. This is the case for it at least. You get divorced you move back in with your parents. You fall on financial hard times you move back in with your parents no questions asked. With this also comes a need to know all things going on in ones life. This leads to lots of white lies and omissions of truth so one my have a certain level of privacy. The warmth one feels from the people of Turkey is an extension of this strong sense of putting family first. My daughter’s teacher, familiar with my current romantic status, speaks to me as a family friend. My students at the university want to know details of my personal life and have no trouble asking about it. You become a part of people’s life very easily and they begin to embrace you as their own. What I’m describing in effect is a Mediterranean way of being which I encountered upon my move to the Danforth. My Greek Neighbour, in the first 10 minutes of our meeting knew virtually all of my personal details. I was so disarmed by the genuine nature of the questions I told all. One neighbour is okay. Everyone knowing all of your business is quite another.
The strong sense of family has other consequences for people’s emotional lives. This mainly has to do with the parents having to know what’s going on in their children’s lives all the time and age does not appear to be a limitation. A Canadian friend here in Istanbul told me of his ex-girlfriend and how her father would call her every night if she were not home by 10pm. This is a woman in her 30’s. Apparently, this same father did this for his son’s as well. The family is protective, particularly of the girls and women. I know of women that remain virgins well into their thirties if they’ve never been married. Boys and men enjoy the usual double standard where they may sleep with whom ever they want. The trick though is that sex is not that easy to come by, hence this bizarre infatuation for Russian girls.
This protective tendency ultimately produces people, both men and women who are not particularly experienced in matters of the heart. Just how experienced can you get when you have to report in every night by 10pm? When you live with your mother until you are married how do you get to be experienced emotionally in other ways? You are mothered in all things, which can make it a bit difficult for growing up. Personal independence is not conduct that is necessarily encouraged. Jealousy has been beaten out of us Canadians as an acceptable way of being. Oprah, Dr. Phil Ann Landers, all will tell you, jealousy is very bad. Jealousy here in Turkey on the other hand, is expected conduct. Its how you show someone you care. To be possessive of someone in Canada falls almost strictly into the negative camp. Being possessive here is the expectation.
Canadians by the time we are in our 30’s usually have had a few decent relationships. We’ve handled the break ups, rejections and wrestled with jealousy. We have fallen and gotten back up several times each time stronger than the last. We've shacked up many times as a life experiment. We’ve usually moved out of our parent’s home. We have long thrown off the yoke of virginity. Our up bringing has been one that focuses much more on self-reliance and independence. Our experiences of heartbreak permit us to build the emotional tools necessary to handle the difficult times. We speak up for our rights to personal happiness and if they aren’t met we demand change. Some people are of course stronger than others.
What has struck me here in Turkey is just how far people fall when they do. Often times nothing in their emotional lives have prepared them for heartbreak. Divorce is increasingly common here as the modern realities (the need for two incomes) come crashing up against traditional gender roles. I know of a man who upon his divorce descended into a deep depression. He was found in his apartment after having lost 30 kilos not eating only smoking. He was so frail he had broken his arm from a fall. There have been many other stories like this. Despite the strong family values, people don’t have emotional experience when they hit life’s bigger challenges. When people fall here in Turkey they fall hard. People will also seem to tolerate circumstances that are not conducive to their personal happiness longer than would most Canadians. They do so out of duty and family, which is great, but it comes of course at a tremendous cost of their own happiness. By Canadian standards, Turks are innocents in matters of the heart. Or is that we are the jaded self centered ones?
Family and duty first are noble qualities. Personal happiness is also important. Each side has something to learn form the other. If life on Earth is to have meaning it is found in how we love one another. Our goal should be to love. Love is a tough risky business and the price we pay for it can be high. I’m inclined to feel though that if we take care of our selves first we have more to give those we love. Families can be both protective and open to personal strength. Striking this balance is tricky but my feeling now, after living here in Turkey is I have greater sense of what it means to put others before myself. I will be better at it and a better parent for my little girl. I’ve been embraced by the Turkish ways and I am better for it.
I was walking to catch the train one morning down the street that I always go. I was taking my time and noticed an older man, in his 70’s I thought. He was dressed pretty sharp. I was admiring him and thinking about how he was an old timer Istanbul’lu who’d seen his city completely transformed over his lifetime. As he crossed the street he asked me a question. I didn’t hear him at first as I had the ipod on but I assumed he was asking for directions. I told him “sorry I don’t know” He asked again and I understood that he was wondering why I wasn’t walking with my daughter that morning. Here was a man I Had never seen or spoken to before (he’d clearly seen us!) inquiring about my little girl. I informed him that she would be going to school with her grandfather that day .I was so deeply touched by this. He’d become familiar with us as a part of his day. He’d admired us, my daughter in particular. He felt it his place to ask. This in a city of 15 million people. This was the first thing he’d ever said to me. This is the Turkish way at its finest. This was warmth and familiarity from the outset. 100% class. It turned out he worked with his own daughter at a real estate office we walked by every day. I made a point the following day to drop in and say hello. We were served tea and had a chat. We wave to them at least every time we walk by now. The simple sweetness of this man’s gesture was something I hoped to share with all of you.
